It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I fear I’ve forgotten how! It’s true that I may not have forgotten my sense of sarcasm, or where exactly to place the most emphatic quotation marks, yet in general, I’ve forgotten. I no longer recall how and where to add pictures of my adorable kids in all the right places, or even how to change my background from a dreaded holiday one to one that shouts of Springtime and positive vibes! I have always been a victim of peer pressure, and now I pay the price! Stuck in a blog-imposed, proverbial Winter wonderland.
I have done much soul searching the last several months, and have learned so much not only about my marriage (or lack thereof!) but about myself! This blog is dedicated to my husband and his girlfriend, but deep-down is really a release of many pent up emotions, and hopefully serves as an inspiration to many who face similar decisions!
Dear Jerry and Cheryl,
Please, by all means, allow me to begin this letter with a declaration of my heartfelt congratulations!!! It truly takes a special kind of selfish, and an epic kind of stupid for you two to endure all you’ve endured these pasts few years to “come out on top”! Now, by “come out on top”, I definitely mean coming out with each other, which tends to leave all sorts to the imagination! I’m not one to speculate, but I’ve heard maybe Cheryl doesn’t always come out on top. Maybe she doesn’t always come out on the bottom? Maybe she’s a dude. Who am I to question?!?!? To each their own! All for one and one for him too!!!
Seriously, I don’t mean to start this out on the wrong foot, or forehead. Or whatever else she’s sporting from her skull. I think it’s a forehead? Maybe a fivehead? Maybe six? I don’t know.
Here’s what I DO know. Scientists recommend keeping that appendage out of direct sunlight at all times, and moisturizing at every possible opportunity. The passport and certificate to travel belonging to said forehead can be found in my husbands back pocket, which is where her head has spent most of it’s time.
Enough of my poking fun! I’m sure you two do enough of that! Who could resist?!?! Honestly! If I lived with the pillsbury dough-boy I’d do nothing but make that boy squeal all day long!! Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy. Again, whatever sex she’s going with these days!!!
I realize you two have some speculation as to who may raise (my) our children. Allow me to clear that up for you! There is a greater chance that purple, flying, Justin Beiber, boy-band loving, look-alike monkeys will come swooping in on hot pink guitars and monkey shit-drop you our divorce papers, than you will ever have at raising our children.
There is a greater chance Pee Wee Herman may raise our children, circa ‘Big Top Pee Wee’. And when you get there, all strung out and looking for our kids……. be sure and tell them Large Marge sent ya! Good Morning Mr. Breakfast!!!
As for Cheryl……. Dear, man-faced, decpeptive Cheryl. You should know that I hold no ill-will. The fact that I found all the e-mails tonight in which my husband paid you ficticiously from his business in an attempt to hide income from me……. It’s just water under the bridge. I’m sure that as always in your life, you’re just an innocent victim! But just to be sure, I should definitely forward all those invoices to your current employer and ex husband. Just to make sure you’re not taken advantage of!! It’s truly the least that I can do! I’m sure it won’t effect your child support in any way! You being such a class act and all!
I can not begin to explain all the ways that my blood could boil and curdle in the near future, but I know that I am no one without either of you. If only I had a lying, dude-like parental figure to guide me through this time of heart-ache. I will fall asleep tonight with my poster of Woody Harrelson tucked in my old spice-fading, armpit and pray that somehow I wake up in the morning free from the mask-like symptoms that woody-syndrome plagues me with!!! I will take tylenol and pray to be free of this whore-induced fever that blinds me from contact with you skanks.
I pray to spare my children from this horrific influenza that has cursed my space for far too long!
I wish you two happiness in all that you do, and hope peace is found in your world. I also hope you two figure out which one is the dude and who is the chick! Obviously Jerry has been out of the closet longer, but there is something to be said for the perfection that can sometimes emerge from a locked closet!
Nothing but the best you assholes!! Mwahhhh!!!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo,
aud
