While the title of this post could easily imply a trip to visit colleges, a Spring break excursion, or a graduation vacation, all while conjuring images of bright, vibrant, young adults hitting the road together for a get-away, I can assure you that it is about none of those things.
MY senior road trip happened last month. With my parents. Hence the “Senior” in the “road trip”. Please don’t get me wrong, I have amazing parents. Extraordinary, even. That is, right up until and immediately following my 4 hour imprisonment in a car with them. For that small 4 hour window, the only extraordinary thing was that we finally kicked the “classical music” station somewhere near the state line. There is only so much Mozart a girl can take!
I should have known the trip was doomed when my six year old asked if she could pack a bag of “midget toys” for the car ride.
Me: “Ummmmm, what are ‘midget toys?”
Faith: (slowly, as if I’m a 2 year old) “Tiiiiinnnnnnnyyyyyyy toys”
Okay, so THIS is how the trip’s going to go!
Let me just tell you, it was like traveling with Fred, Ethyl, and the Olsen twins circa 20 years ago!!!
It made sense. It was the practical thing to do. We were traveling to the same place for the weekend, why not car-pool? In this economy it would be stupid not to, right? Wrong!
In their defense, my parents weren’t the only challenge on the trip, or even the worst one. Let’s play a math game!:
1 Chrysler mini-van
+ 1 sarcastic, middle aged lady (that’s me, if you’re wondering)
+ 1 60(ish) year old lady wearing a poncho
+ 1 60 (ish) year old man who thinks “Steam Valley” in PA is a Nascar track
+ 1 six year old
+ 1 nine year old
+ 4 hours to PA
- ANY bathroom breaks or caffeine
—————————————-
= my own private Hell on earth. Geez, even in Hell I probably would have had coffee! Satan’s not a TOTAL dick! 
All I could think of was the scene from Tommy Boy where Chris Farley and David Spade were trying to sell brake pads.
“Now let’s see what happens when you’re driving with the OTHER guys brake pads……. You’re drivin’ along, drivin’ along…. kids yelling from the backseat… ‘I’ve gotta go to the bathroom Daddy!”
“NOT NOW DAMN IT!!!” For your viewing pleasure and mine, here is that masterpiece of a scene:
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I do feel that I should take this opportunity, as I know my parents are probably reading, to point out that this entire blog may be a ‘slight’ exaggeration, or at least it is if you’re my Mom! I am truly grateful for the trip that I may not have taken otherwise had we not car-pooled!
The initial groundwork was probably set early on, when I decided to spend the night prior to the trip at my parents house in order for us to get an early start the next morning. Well, DUH!! An evening in your childhood hometown, when your parents can watch your kids, and you’re not going to make plans to get together with childhood friends, at your childhood bar?!?!? I think not!!! Okay, okay…. it wasn’t my “childhood bar”, but you get the idea. I was at least 17 like the rest of them!
It was a late night and I may not have been overly eager to bounce out of bed the next morning! Especially after getting dropped off at home and realizing that I didn’t remember what ANY of the light-switches at my parents house actually operate! The fact that they are ALL on a 37 switch switch-plate certainly didn’t help my drunk a$$! I’ve gotta hand it to my Dad for the flood lights on the front of the house though. I’m pretty sure that when I accidentally turned THOSE on at 1:00am, someone in the International Space Station waved to me and E.T. phoned home. Keep up the great work, guys! “One small step for man” and all that good stuff!
It goes without saying that I was due for a caffeine fix pretty early on the next morning. No problem. My parents ALWAYS stop at the same gas station, in the same town, in the same rural county EVERY time they travel to see my sister. NOT THIS TIME. Oh nooooooo!!!!!! They decided to be “prepared” and fuel up the night before. Who DOES that?
Let me paint you some pictures about the trip down:
Faith: “Let’s play MUM! 1-2-3 Mum!”
2 seconds later
Faith: “Pause the game! No farting, humming, talking OR laughing! Okay? 1-2-3 mum!”
5 seconds later
Faith: “Pause the game!! I’m going to be the quietest!!! 1-2-3 mum!”
4 seconds later
Faith: “Pause the game! No high-pitched voices. 1-2-3 mum!”
a minute later
Faith: “Pause the game! Are we in Pennsylvania yet?!?”
And so on, and so on, and so on. She really had that game in the bag. Killin’ me kid!!
Faith: “How much longer until we get there?”
Me: “57 minutes!”
Faith: “Really?”
Me: “Yes, give or take 2 hours!”
You’ve just gotta love traveling with my Mom, the backseat driver in the passenger seat. Dad pulls up to an intersection, stops, looks both ways, and Mom says: “After this truck you’re good!”. Thanks Captain OBVIOUS! I’m sure Dad couldn’t see the mile of clear road after the PLOW TRUCK passed!
Or this:
Faith: “What’s that bird up there?” (a MILE away)
Mom: “Oh, it looks like a turkey vulture!”
WHAT?!?!?!? No it doesn’t!! It looks like a black dot with wings. It’s a mile away!!!!!! Personally, I’d go with hawk. Definitely hawk. It has the same dot formation as a hawk would! Or DOES it?!
Hey Dad! The rumble strips are supposed to DETER you from driving on the shoulder of the road! It’s not a roller coaster!!! If it is, stop the ride because I want to get off!! I hear Six Flags is hiring.
Faith: “We’re halfway to JAPAN by now!!!!!!!!”
How about spending 85 miles watching from the backseat as your Dad plays chicken with an elderly lady driving an Acadia that has a FUBU sticker in the back window? Let’s just say that I was none too sad to see her exit the expressway several towns before us. Had push come to shove, my money was definitely on her!
After countless questions from my girls such as “Are we there yet?”, “How much longer?”, “When do we get to Pennsylvania?” I’ve decided not to take another road trip until they learn to read road signs!!! “What time is it?” TIME FOR YOU TO READ THE SIGNS!
The good news is that we arrived at my sisters house unharmed, and we had a great weekend celebrating my nephews birthday! The even better news is that we made it HOME equally unharmed, and I lived to blog about it!
As much as I laughed while recalling these memories, I suspect that my Dad won’t be offering to carpool again anytime soon after he reads my blog! With that said, I love you Dad! You’re amazing!!! 
