Lately, as I’ve pondered new and old situations in my life, I’ve given much thought to the topic of honesty. By definition, honesty is a concept that is clean cut and neatly shaven. Easy to understand, smooth, leaving miniscule room for error. As I tend to summarize for my children: don’t lie. Black and white as an Ansel Adams photograph.
As adults many of us feel that the honesty we expect and share is much more complex. It is not as strictly defined, and often leaves the door to miscommunication wide open. Come on in judgement, misconception, and false expectations! Have a seat, we’ve been expecting you!
In parenting, I sometimes catch myself not being honest, without actually being ‘dis’honest. When my girls relentlessly ask for something and I finally say “I’ll think about it!”, I’m being “quasi-honest”. Oh I’m going to think about it alright, but I’m thinking how there is no way on God’s green earth that I would let them have their way after all that begging! In allowing them to believe I give their plights careful consideration, I’m not honest. Am I lying? Giving them false hope? And who determines that?
Honesty becomes delicate when dealing with other adults, most especially ones whom we care about. Almost all adult interactions are built on a foundation of trust, all at varying levels of density and completion. Friendships, relationships, partnerships….. all proceed forward or don’t, based on a primal instinct whether to trust or not. Typically, atleast in my case, my confidence is earned in small parcels. Eventually you’ve either accumulated so many packages that I can do nothing but invite you into my heart and allow you to make yourself at home, or I realize that you’re not ‘handling with care’ and I cease sending you anything. I’ve invited very few in, and the jury remains out as they deliberate whether I am helping or harming myself.
The lines become fuzzy to me when I think of honesty in a “full disclosure” sense. One of my closest friends feels I wasn’t honest with her because I failed to confide and disclose ghosts from my past. I disagree. At what point can the past simply be the past? How far back does one need to dig before they’ve given someone the entire picture? And how much of the picture is any one person entitled to see? At what point are we not being truthful if we leave events out?
In the age of social media, I frequently see posts and pictures such as these:
Image may be NSFW.
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Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
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If even a portion of those thoughts are “true”, why must someone reveal the mistakes of their past merely to be an “honest” friend? What about confessions that involve other people? How does one determine how much of another’s “secret” is theirs to tell?
I’ve recently found that my willingness to “be” honest does NOT always beat in unison with my expectations for others honesty with me. And again, what determines dishonesty? If you tell me word for word the events of your day, yet fail to mention that those events occurred with someone else, is that dishonest? What if I have no claim to you? Were you required to tell me? What if my feelings are hurt because I like you more than I should? Are YOU dishonest, or am I??
What if I’ve done the same thing? Are we being dishonest? Sparing each others feelings? Feel it’s irrelevant? They’re not lies, but is it true honesty?
How about workplace situations? If we apply for a job, are we not being honest when we fail to write down every one of our past 57 jobs? Are we simplifying for our own good? For an employers good? Because we’re lazy? Do we do it intentionally, or do we truly forget each job from our past?
Is dishonesty with the right intentions somehow more forgivable? Is any dishonesty forgivable? Is it fair to expect more than we give? Face it, we all do it. We all want open communication from our friends/family/lovers/etc, but how many of us are 100% open in return? If only I had all the answers! Life certainly would be easier!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
