Dear Teachers,
As yet another school year commences, I feel the need to touch base with you both, wish you a $hit-ton of good luck (which has been established as an actual unit of measurement in my world), and let you know how appreciative I am of all that you do for my daughters!
Allow me to predict how today MAY go down. First off, it’s Faith’s birthday. Poor kiddo. Having a birthday on the first day of school? It almost seems cruel. You may notice that she did not bring cupcakes and organic juice pouches with cute little napkins that cost me $47.00 at Target. Long about noon you’ll realize that I’m not dropping anything off either! She may feign sadness at the travesty, however don’t let Scammer fool you. She is insistent that only ‘certain’ cupcakes will do, and they are ‘certain cupcakes’ that are made by a baker in Buffalo! With your permission, she would like to bring the cupcakes of gold (or oreo, depending on how you look at it!) in on Friday which is the soonest said treasure can be delivered!
Emily is going to arrive and tell you that she doesn’t have her Summer homework with her because she left it on vacation. Cough…. cough…. bull$hit! She doesn’t have her Summer homework because she’s nervous to turn in the work she’s done. She’s nervous to share the thoughts and feelings expressed in her essays, and she is afraid to set herself up for failure and judgement on the first day of school. Please go easy on her. Please allow her to spend the day getting to know you better and realize on her own that she has nothing to worry about. My best pep-talks and encouragement were not producing nearly the result that I’m sure she’ll achieve today just by being in your classroom! And what the heck kind of 5th grade homework was that anyway?!? Write about your feelings!? Feelings, shmeelings. I’m 34 and uncomfortable talking about my feelings. Although I joke, I do thank you. Thank you for making my daughter stop and think this Summer about who she wants to be and how she wants to be remembered by her classmates. I’m grateful for a teacher who desires my daughter to grow as a person and not just as a student.
Faith may or may not remind you that she’s ‘The Honey Badger’. PLEASE DON’T for ANY reason ask her WHY she is called the honey badger. Despite a Summer’s worth of conditioning, you STILL may hear that it’s because honey-badgers don’t “give a $hit”. She doesn’t. Which is probably why she’d tell you that. For your viewing pleasure, you can check out the Honey-Badger below. Hence my 7 year old. 
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Both girls packed their own lunches, so I’ll give you the run-down of what you “may” see. Pickles, radishes, left-over sauerkraut, cold pulled pork, rolls with butter, quinoa, and I’m willing to bet that Faith has a gigantic piece of tiramisu. She probably also has grapes in her pocket. Not only is she a scammer, but also a pack-rat.
I’d like to apologize for the shoes Faith is wearing. Despite having new “back to school” shoes, she is still hooked on her Summer sandals. If she takes them off to change into sneakers for the playground, please be forewarned. The coroner is NOT needed. Cadaver dogs are not required. It’s just those God-awful sandals. They smell like a dead animal, mixed in manure, rolled around in the aviary at the zoo. Sorry for that! Cheers!
In all seriousness, I realize that these silly little stories are magnified for each of you times 20 or so. I could NEVER do your jobs and I want you to know how grateful I am for the care and love you show my children for more than half their waking hours 5 days a week. I realize that your job is not done when school is out at 3:30 and that you’re often to school far ahead of the children. I realize that other people’s kids are brats, as my own can occasionally be at times, and I admire the patience and fairness you exhibit even when you want to throat punch a kid. I’d have whiny little Johnny crying so fast and his head spinning like a Chucky Doll if I were a teacher. You’re both stronger people than I am.
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With that said, I can promise you this: I promise to show my children the love and guidance at home that will allow them to be strong in school. I promise to instill strong values and raise them to be kind and outgoing. On the same token, if for some reason they are UNKIND, I vow to deal with them accordingly. I promise to support your rulings and decisions at home and if I have a question, to bring it up with you privately. As far as my children are concerned, you’ll have my unconditional support and backing. I promise to be patient with you if you don’t respond to me immediately, and to remind myself that you have 20 minions and not just two!
Have a great first day with Petey and The Honey-Badger, and again, I’m super sorry about those sandals!
Love,
Aud
